dont like to be told what to do
Expert Blogs | Mental Health
You probably don't like being told what to do -- me, neither. I don't fifty-fifty like being asked to do something I was going to do anyhow. When I was kid I hated it when my parents asked me to unload the dishwasher when I was already planning to do it. I wish I could say I've put childish ways behind me, but I nonetheless get a tightening in my gut when that kind of thing happens. But the other nighttime I got all bristly when my married woman kindly asked me to exist quieter since people were sleeping.
What causes us to accept these negative reactions when others endeavour to alter our behavior? This question has special relevance now, given the intense and even fierce resistance we've seen to some of the COVID-related guidelines effectually quarantining and wearing masks.
The respond varies from person to person, just these are some common themes.
We demand autonomy.
The need to exist main of our own actions is built into usa. And so we chafe against the feeling that someone else is controlling united states. We brainstorm to assert our autonomy as soon as we're able to. Toddlers insist on "doing it themselves," even when it frustrates their parents. The lx seconds information technology would take my ii-year-old kids to climb into their car seat on their own felt like hours of my life that I'd never get dorsum (maybe because it bumped upwardly against my own need for autonomy).
Our demand for a sense of agency grows as we practise. Information technology really takes off around adolescence, every bit teens move toward machismo. And for skilful reason. Autonomy is 1 of our primal psychological needs. Greater autonomy is associated with all kinds of expert outcomes, like less depression and feet. Then existence told what to exercise grates against our very nature.
We feel powerless.
Giving upward our autonomy feels like giving our power to someone else. At present they get to determine where we go and what nosotros clothing, and whether we're immune to enter a store without a mask. Being less powerful than some other person doesn't experience good—over again, for proficient reason. A one-down position is ofttimes a place of weakness, and means we may get fewer of our needs met.
Ability also means command, and being told what to do can feel like we're giving control to someone else. Resisting others' requests or commands can be a way of reclaiming our power, even if it means acting against our own cocky-interest (like refusing to wear a seat chugalug).
We feel like a child.
For many of us, beingness told what to do takes united states of america back to our babyhood when our parents and teachers got to tell us what to do. Nosotros probably looked forward to growing up and beingness our own bosses. To be honest, I know this is a gene for me. I don't like feeling similar a child when someone tells me what to practice. And unfortunately, that child-feeling sometimes leads united states of america to respond in childish means, like throwing the adult version of a tantrum, or abandoning words and using fists.
It implies criticism.
When someone tells us what to exercise, they're either telling us to stop what we're doing or to do something we're not doing. So naturally it feels like we're beingness criticized, which no i I know enjoys. Information technology wounds our ego, which always wants to be correct.
We don't know where information technology ends.
We can likewise fear a slippery slope when someone tells u.s.a. what to exercise. First they're telling us to stay home. And so to wear masks when we go out. What's next? Nosotros might worry that our basic liberties will be taken away, and start telling ourselves stories nigh how we're living in a totalitarian land. Frequently these fears are based not on what's actually being asked of us, but on our fright of where it could lead.
We value individualism.
Finally, many of the states pride ourselves on our individualism. We want to make our own decisions, and stand out from the crowd. Post-obit collective orders like "shelter in place" or "wear masks when you lot can't social distance" might feel like giving up an essential part of our identity. This factor is especially prominent in western societies, like the U.S., that place a premium on our individual identities.
How to Deal with It
There are more and less helpful means of responding when we're told what to do, from quietly obeying to violently resisting. These principles can be helpful in responding constructively:
- Make Infinite for Your Reactions.Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings that are triggered when yous're told what to do. Allow get of thoughts about how you "should" react, and merely detect what goes through your listen and how your trunk responds. Exist enlightened of your emotional reaction, like the feeling in your gut. In this way you lot tin allow go of unnecessary criticism of yourself for how you're reacting. It volition also give yous a little bit of infinite to choose more deliberately how you respond.
- Notice Your Assumptions.Come across if whatsoever of the factors listed hither come into play. Does it feel like you're being told to requite up your power? Your autonomy? Do you think you lot're being treated like a child? Do y'all fear that yous'll completely give up command over your life? Only detect that the heed is making an interpretation of the situation. And remember that the stories our minds tell the states aren't always true. Consider possible alternatives.
- Recognize the Grip of Ego.When the ego gets activated, it can be difficult to think clearly. Ego needs to be right. It needs control. And it wants to defend itself, at all costs. You're probably familiar with the grip of ego, even if y'all haven't chosen it that.
It'due south that feeling in your tum when your spouse says something that really irritates you. It's the urge to squash social media posts from the other terminate of the political spectrum. It's the kinship you feel toward fans of your sports teams, and the disgust you feel toward rival fans. It's the determination you lot feel to get dorsum at a driver who unfairly honked at y'all.
When nosotros recognize the workings of the ego, we can encounter through the stories it tells the states—stories that justify our indignation or that rationalize our hatred. We may withal pass up to do what we're told, only it will be for real reasons, not equally a reflexive gesture of the ego.
- Human action Wisely.With these things in listen, choose wisely. Follow others' instructions when they're in your all-time involvement, even if you're not crazy about existence told what to do. For example, follow reasonable wellness precautions in a pandemic, to protect yourself and others.
We'll probably never desire to be told what to do (unless we enquire). We're likely to feel like a child, and powerless, and criticized. And we can allow these reactions to exist alongside our determination to choose wisely. Not because I told y'all to! But because information technology serves yous well.
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Seth J. Gillihan, PhD
Clinical psychologist
Seth J. Gillihan, PhD, is a licensed psychologist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and mindfulness-based interventions. His books includeThe CBT DeckandA Mindful Year(co-written with Dr. Aria Campbell-Danesh); he hosts the weekly Think Human action Be podcast, featuring conversations on living more than fully.
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Source: https://blogs.webmd.com/mental-health/20200616/why-we-dont-like-being-told-what-to-do
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